Rainbow!
by Lyrical Logic
Summary: Three Universes in which they’re too gay to function and the one time they’re not, sort of, with infinitely more fail. Or three universes in which they get on the queer way and one they don’t. Soph, this is on you. Slash. K/S. Kock. Whatever.


Rainbow!

Three Universes in which they're too gay to function and the one time they're not, sort of, with infinitely more fail. Or three universes in which they get on the queer way and one they don't.

Because a legitimate pairing name is Kock. It does not get gayer.

Disclaimer- Nope, this one is all JJ Abram's or whatever his name is.

Notes- There was five at some point, but Jim couldn't handle being a sexual masochist and one just fucked with me till I agreed not to write it as part of this. Spock is a whiny bitch people, never doubt it. Also, the first one is all on you Soph. The second one is something I've always wanted to ask someone about. The third one is a Jessica Rabbit, a whore who wouldn't stop raping my idea's until I wrote it. Then added a couple thousand words. Bitch.

And as for the last one. Well, who hasn't thought of that?

Oh, first time with slash. Yeah. All innocence lost.

--

_Universe 737_

_In which Spock hates Cowboys. We don't think McCoy helped much._

--

He knew Jim shouldn't watch that movie. Knew it in the deep dark pit of his Vulcan soul, but Jim had been _insistent _and logically and given that he had no real knowledge of the movie he had to agree that denying Jim his bi-monthly, let's-get-pissed-Bones!-we-can-like-rent-a-movie-and-giggle-like-13-year-old-girls-while-being-butch-and-shit night was both unreasonable and not conductive to their still tenuous emotional relationship.

But _still_

It had _cowboys_

And even as another, ever irritating logical part said '_He's from Iowa, Spock, _Iowa, _what the f- did you expect' _his more emotional side, lovingly tended by his now deceased mother-

(_She_ _dies in a spaceship above Terra 5. Low-risk diplomatic mission his ass)_

-screams a river of unflattering phrases in his head.

He shouldn't have seen that damn movie!

Here, Spock tends to his throbbing temples his deep, psychic connection to his captain making this ever more uncomfortable.

Because-

Well.

He's just- just _saying- _all this shit about- _who knows _what and wearing this, this _thing _on his head and metal shiny things that are _not regulation additions to his shoes. _They are pointy. It is an established fact that Starfleet does not like pointy.

So, having no choice in the matter (because he is first officer _and _science officer, dammit, and that means he has no freakin' choice but to be here, on this bridge, with, _whatever, _has taken over the captain so thoroughly) he stays till the end of alpha shift and waits, _oh how he waits, _for an opportunity to speak to Jim about the ever-loving amount of regulations he's breaking by _breathing _on the bridge.

Patience is ever a virtue

"Jim," Spock stops him at the turbolift doors, "We must speak about-"

"Spock," he says the name, caresses it with his voice, like it's the first time he's ever seen him before. It sends a spike of something feral through him and it takes a _lot _–read- ridiculous amount of meditation has gone down for this, he'd like some recognition please- of mental will power to not jump him. He should get an award.

And then, Jim ruins it

"I wish I knew how to quit you!" he yells, throwing glitter and placing a 'Happy Coming Out' party hat on Spock's head, Jim jumps into the awaiting arms of McCoy, -unfortunate enough to walk off of that turbolift, right then- with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.

Then the doors shut again

Spock stands still for a moment, the logical part of his brain currently playing submissive bitch to the emotional part which is in turn flaunting its knowledge of syntax by invoking every swearword to ever exist.

He breathes in and out, turning and swearing under his breath in Vulcan, something about dead carcasses, Heath Ledgers mother and McCoy's ancestors. God damn that doctor. Uhura is shocked.

Spock looks at her and _wills_ himself to be straight again

After a few moments of ridiculously intense staring in which Spock pleads with the cosmos to get rid of this apparent universal constant -Chekov is severely unnerved and Sulu isn't surprised when he slides over and asks 'Did that _really _just happen?' except far more cutely because he is Chekov- Uhura raises one elegant eyebrow and intones, slyly, because she is great at unsettling him-

"Are you ready for your close up now, Mr Spock?"

Spock looks at the persistently rainbow glitter on his uniform and the hat on his head and wonders why he even bothers with that man.

Right, eternal love and all that

Oh, how he wishes he was straight.

--

_Universe 65_

_In which Spock asks some hard questions. Jim wishes there was more sex._

--

"I have a question Jim"

It's been 3 hours since they decided they loved each other and they should fuck like bunnies. Jim is now securely fastened around Spock's stomach while the big man himself (Trust him, Spock is _nothing _to laugh at) is strumming a hand through his hair.

"If it involves me getting off you, I will not comply Spock" Jim mutters this into his stomach because oh god, being the bitch is harder than he thought and he'd very much like to not move ever again.

"It does not require you to move Jim"

"Shoot"

"Shoot?"

"You know. Ask"

"Why would twisting someone's nipple like a faucet induce sexual pleasure?" Jim quietly falls off the bed and contemplates a universe in which he has to answer stuff lie that.

"Captain?" Spock repeats, in bed, with _Jim _dammit.

"Jim, Spock, we've been doing the dirty for 3 hours now. Don't ruin it." He crawls back on the bed, "What the hell do you mean?"

"Well, when I applied pressure to your nipple at a 23 degree angle you began a movement that was either a seizure or extreme sexual pleasure."

"Pleasure" he rolls over so he's pinning Spock down.

"Yes, I had assumed that when you started moaning my name." He has his '_Yes Jim, I knew that, despite how thoroughly unimportant it is right now' _voice going.

If that doesn't get Jim going nothing will.

"You know about assumptions, Mr Spock?"

One eyebrow up "Indeed not Jim"

"They always lead to asses"

They go back to the sex. Several orgasms later Jim is again lying on his stomach.

"Yes, Jim I was a fascinating experience for me as well." He pats Jim's shoulder when he humphs about 'Vulcan lovers and their irrational standards' "But it does still not explain the nipples..."

Jim groans

--

Universe 7

_In which Spock is pretty much a whiny bitch and Jim, well Jim probably wishes he wasn't so optimistic. It's pretty much angst._

--

'No, Jim, it is not in fact a logical given that we have sex at any given moment simply because you want to.' 'Goddammit man! If you won't fuck me I guess I'll ask Bones!' '...' 'Oh god, I was joking, totally joking, oh god DON'T CUT ME OFF I NEED YOUR LOVING DAMMIT!'

So is a normal day in the life of Kock

(Note to self- Figure out embarrassing way to kill off Mr Sulu, will be doing the universe a favour)

Because, and listen carefully kiddies for he does not repeat, he and the Captain are _not _in a romantic relationship.

Right

Got it?

Good

"Spock!"

That would be the captain. Bane-of-existence, the thing from which all dark things swell

"Hey, Spock, where ya going?" Kirk jogs up to him in the corridor flipping easily around so he walks backward, in front of Spock, effectively annoying him to heights only he can obtain.

"To dinner, sir. I have Gamma shift and will not be able to return to-" Spock begins and stops speaking looking curiously at the slashes of emotion across Kirk's face.

He will not analyse them

Because that would lead to looking at his own feelings, which would lead to-

Too many things

Too many not-Vulcan things

"Have dinner with me." Kirk has stopped dead in the middle of the corridor. Eyes blazing, smile failing and a little bit of nervous vomit on his pants. Spock isn't sure if he's okay with being the cause of that.

"No" He answers, because he is Spock and look at what happened to his Mother, killed by xenophobes on her way to see him.

He is Spock and he is not stupid enough to kill this gift

"Come on, there's a game of chess in it for you."

Spock glances around the now empty corridor. He is both annoyed and impressed with the crews emotional perceptiveness, impressed because, finally, they have some decorum it only _took_ two years and annoyed because they stranded him on an island and the only thing he has to find shore is a buoy called Kirk and an ocean of things he's spent a lifetime avoiding.

Not helpful for his admittedly frayed sanity

Spock raises an eyebrow, "Captain, as I stated before I must eat before Gamma shift."

"You saying I can't whip something up in twenty minutes" Kirk's smile is failing fast and it is only by good intentions and a stubborn belief that he can't lose dammit, does it stay on his face.

"On the contrary, that was not my issue. It would take you at least two hours to beat me at chess." Spock smiles with his eyes and is somewhat happier that his captain, sometimes friend and constant rear-pain (not how you're thinking, it isn't, really) is stapling his shit-eating grin back on.

Somewhat

"You cocky bastard"

"My parents were married at the time of my conception and-"

"You know what I mean."

Yes, he does

Spock begins to walk past him

"Is it always going to end like this?" Kirk asks, all pretence of laughter or joking gone

"I think so" he replies, and continues to the end of the corridor.

"Why?"

"Because, I'm not fond of watching people I love die."

Uhura once showed him an old television show called a 'Soap Opera' in which various people acted out a horrific set of clichés, spouted out nonsensical gibberish about cousins and murders and inheritance while maintaining a steady disregard for many theories on human genealogy which says that the fourth generation 'Maria' must have webbed feet.

His lines and his thoughts currently sound like one.

"So you admit you love me?"

"I had no idea that was being questioned"

Jim's smile is struggling back from the grave "Not questioned, just confirmed."

"Captain..." this is the point at which he usually leaves, the captain is satisfied and he can simply lock away this interaction.

"Jim please"

"Jim..." Jim, is back to having this queer twinkle in his eye, like he knows how everything's going to happen and doesn't feel the need to tell you

Usually these 'eye twinkles' end with Spock in an inappropriate position, or holding hands or something equally dire and embarrassing.

Wait, he's walking forward

Reaching for his...

Hand...

Hand touching...

Skin contact...

'_Where did my intellect go? Oh, right, this is Jim Kirk my emotional barriers mean nothing to him'_

"Yes Spock?"

And-god-how-he-wants-to-kiss-and-kiss-and-love-and-hold-and-never-let-go-'cause-it-can-all-go-so-so-fast-so-fast-that-he-has-to-run-run-run-from-him-because-love-love-love-is-bright-bright-brilliant-_hedidnotwantbrillance_

Oh no...

No don't...

He did

Bastard

"What are you..."

"Well, I'm taking you off Gamma shift so we can both go have dinner and play chess, eventually I hope this will lead to you staying the night and-"

"Captain!" Spocks voice speaks _volumes _about the level of impropriety he's reaching.

The only thing that stops Kirk getting nerve pinched or something equally illogical and vaguely ineffective is the fact that he is still serious.

"Jim, Spock, my name is Jim. Don't worry you don't have to stay tonight, just sometime, maybe, in the next five years."

And some small part of him goes, 'You know what? Fuck logic, fuck logic straight to hell. I'mma take this for all I've got.'

Eh, he issues a brain-wide announcement to all functioning centres to ignore that. Really.

"I...do not think...that is an unreasonable time frame." What the hell brain? Didn't we just discuss this? No throwing him to the sharks, or Kirk's or Jim's or, whatever's. No throwing him into the emotional ocean.

"Outstanding, 'cause, you know, I am a persistent kinda guy and you were never really gonna get any peace and quiet till you agreed." and Jim's shit-eating grin is back. He loops arms with Spock and continues into the turbolift. For a second their fingers touch and a strange bouncy, floaty feeling lulls the hackles of his logical brain into a false sense of security.

"But out of curiosity, if we did get it on, who would be the bitch?"

If Vulcan's could face palm, he would.

--

_Universe 3_

_In which they break the gaydar. By being straight._

--

"So"

"Indeed"

"Right, well, um, this is...wow, do you have a word for this?"

"Nothing in my considerably large knowledge of...no Jim, I really don't." His voice is very strange. Very strange indeed.

"Wow,"

"Indeed" That is a very common word in his vocabulary. Almost overused. He must meditate on this.

Wait, something's wrong

Since when has he given a hoot about his use of the word 'Indeed' it is not-

Oh

_Oh_

He is now a woman

Some people, particularly Uhura who he quite frequently claims is the only truly intelligent besides himself on this ship, would wonder at the correlation between 'indeed' and 'my body finds my manly bits so insufficient it abandon the attempt all together'

Simply, the slight difference in the chemical construct of the female brain is enough to re-route the thought processes in his head, making his usual filing system more like a wrecking ball of random thoughts.

This would certainly make an interesting thesis.

"Well, at least one good thing came out of it."

"What good came out of my sudden gender realignment in a transporter accident that killed 3 people?" His voice is all high pitched and feminine now. It has a surprising melody he has never appreciated before. And while his body now has different angles and his brain chemistry has realigned he does not feel in anyway, unhinged, by the loss or growth of new reproductive organs.

Quite frankly, changing genders doesn't bother him

Jim smiles, "You're the bitch now"

Spock contemplates this, her –yes, her is correct now- on thoughts on the matter

"No, Jim" she states as she slides on to his lap, "you will always be my bitch."

Jim looks fairly resigned to his fate

--

...

I hate you Soph, oh god, I will never see this fandom the same way again.

This is me, getting my slash on and ruining my childhood

Cya


End file.
